April 26, 2010 Home on the Range
I am currently at my parents place in New Jersey laying in my childhood bed, listening to the spring rain with Al laying next to me all the while pretending I have not developed a minor allergy to cat dander. I miss my cats but I certainly do not miss being covered in their hair. I miss the quiet serenity that this small town possess. Now that it’s spring here everything is so green and lush which is a stark contrast from the brick and gray city, veiled in grime and filth.
It feels good to be home. I never thought I would say those words since I felt like I would be trapped here forever, but knowing that I am living in my own home away from here is a relief.
Jack and I have been having problems as of late. That’s why he headed to Delaware for the weekend and I came home Sunday until Monday. We both need space. The problems have been accumulating for some time. In the beginning of our relationship we simply wanted sex and nothing more. Then we wanted more but it was a delicate situation since we were co-workers. Then at hyperspeed we jumped into a ridiculously stressful but amazing road trip which pushed us each to our limits. And ever since January we’ve been in each others company day in and day out, never once taking a moment for ourselves.
That moment is now. I feel guilty saying that I feel like I can breathe again. The past few days I’ve remembered to live life on my own terms. That I have a life outside of my boyfriend. That I am someone. An individual. How quickly I was able to forget.
From our daily arguments to our different views on religion even down to our future plans, nothing seems to be compatible and has been taking its toll on our relationship and us as individuals. I don’t even know why we insist on bringing up the future constantly but it seems like we are both uncomfortable in the present based on subsequent uncertainty. The thing that keeps us hanging on is that when its good, its really good. I’ve drawn the conclusion that we are the best and worst relationship each of us has ever had rolled into one. Determining if this is a good or bad thing has been a true testament in patience and love.
I’m glad I was able to sit down and talk to my parents this evening about how I have been feeling. I feel very fortunate for having parents who have stayed married for twenty five years and have raised me in a loving and open environment. I can tell my parents anything and I know that a lot of people do not have this luxury.
We discussed a lot about relationships and the idiosyncrasies that are attached. I was able to vent to someone other than Jack about how lost I have been feeling. It dawned on me that I have been putting a lot of pressure on the relationship and Jack to make me happy. I need to make myself happy. I can’t keep relying on him to support me throughout all facets of life, it isn’t fair to either of us. I also have a tendency to bring those around me down when I am feeling sad. This needs to stop. I don’t know how to let things go and I need to learn.
Little things like his ex-girlfriend emailing him to say hi really get to me. I know he doesn’t want to be with her and I know he has no feelings for her, he’s told me all of this about a million times and yet it still makes me angry. He tells me to let it go. But why can’t she let it go? Aren’t I in the present? See, it’s these kinds of thoughts that I dwell on because I have nothing productive going on in my life. My life has been based on Jack’s schedule. I wake when he wakes, I sleep when he sleeps. But I have my own life god dammit and I can’t blame anybody else but myself for becoming the kind of woman I never wanted to be.
But Jack does not come without faults. He’s very particular about structure, about where things belong and while I posses this attribute to a certain degree I operate best in chaos. I like things just a tad messy. But he wants everything to go his way. And this puts added pressure on me to be someone whom I am not.
This horrible horrible side of me wants to walk away. Wouldn’t it be so much easier? Yes, it would hurt but I could return to being selfish and so could he, a characteristic we both possess which has been put on the back burner since we started dating.
I’ve always had this inner rebellion within me that can deny feelings for anyone or anything that goes against the grain of my thinking. I wish I could do this with Jack and like some sort of sick narcissistic experiment I’d like to see if I can try. But it isn’t fair to him. And despite the unrelenting and undeserving resentment I harbor towards him on occasion because my thoughts seem to skew negative and take over my mind I never want to hurt him.
I know I need to be more open minded. But it’s hard. The way I think sometimes reminds me of a line from Jeanette Winterson’s novel Gut Symmetries,
Now that physics is proving the intelligence of the universe what are we to do about the stupidity of mankind? I include myself. I know that the earth is not flat but my feet are. I know that space is curved but my brain has been condoned by habit to grow in a straight line. What I call light is my own blend of darkness. What I call a view is my hand-peinted trompe – l’oeil. I run after knowledge like a ferret down a ferret hole. My limitations, I call the boundaries of what can be known. I interpret the world by confusing other people’s psychology with my own. I say I am open-minded but what I think is.
So what is a girl to do?
- Leave a comment
- Posted under learning, life
